Change your thoughts, Change your life

This was written by a client I see who is currently in recovery from her eating disorder. Writing has been very therapeutic for her and I believe many women will be able to relate to her journey.

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." ~Author Unknown~

If I had been asked to do this exercise 2.5 years ago, when I first started my recovery, it would have been next to impossible. These thoughts, this system of beliefs that ruled my life were so automatic, so comfortable, so ingrained in my fiber, that I couldn't separate them from myself. Change your thoughts, change your life. I'm sure you have heard this message many times before. Do you believe it? I have always believed it, but never thought I could do it. Part of the problem was that I wanted immediate change - "ok, I am intelligent and educated, I know what I need to do, so why can't I just do it?!" Part of the problem was fear - fear of losing the strategies that "worked" for me. Another problem was denial - I know I have issues with food, but I'm not anorexic, I'm not bulimic, I don't binge, or purge; I know about the dangers of eating disorders, so I could not have let it happen to me; I could change it if I wanted to...I just don't really want to or need to...my problem doesn't have a name, so it's not that bad. Except it was. Little by little, my talents, my passions, my desires, my relationships faded as ed took their place. I started to view my strengths in the context of how I used to be. I became a shell of shame, fear, and irritability. This is not how my life was supposed to be...I am supposed to be better...I finally reached a point where the sacrifices I made for ed were not worth the sacrifices I was making in every other aspect of my life. I wanted change; I was ready for change.

Have you ever broken ties with a close friend? If so, then you know what it will be like to end it with ed. There may be times when you feel tired, scared, and alone - this is not failure; this is awareness and feeling - two sensations that I suspect you have been suppressing for a long time. In making the decision to end a relationship you need to not only listen, but hear your inner voice. You must accept what is being said without judgment, but with an air of curiosity. It is even better if you can speak your beliefs out loud to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor - owning that what you think and feel is real. On the road to recovery we want the straight and narrow, but more likely we find the bumpy and curvy. Sometimes it's hard, even impossible, to see the end through the fog, but that is not a reason to stop. In the law of physics, if you commit to putting one foot in front of the other, you are going to move forward. On this road you will also find moments when you notice a glimpse of your old, or as I like to say, your new self - one that is present, relaxed, and free of anxiety. Don't let that moment pass without recognition - latch on to the feeling that you can do it, and it is worth it! Like any relationship that ends, letting go of ed is not usually absolute. I often think of ed and the feelings we shared, but always with the understanding that our relationship was unhealthy and one that must remain separate. I allow myself to accept the memory without guilt; and instead with gratitude for the strength I have learned and my power to overcome.

~K

My Irrational beliefs about food and eating:

• My thoughts about food are just natural, automatic, I can't control them
• I shouldn't be hungry now
• I hate that I'm hungry now
• I did "good" because I made a healthy food choice
• Everyone else is eating it, so why can't I?
• I didn't plan on this; it doesn't fit in with my eating schedule, so I can't/shouldn't have it
• I suffer with shame when I don't eat according to how I think I should eat
• If I eat too much dinner, I won't have an appetite for dessert...and I always want dessert
• I ate what I planned to eat, so I should be full now, but I'm not = frustration/irritability/anxiety
• If I eat sweets in the middle of the day I won't feel good
• If I eat sweets early in the day, I can't have sweets later
• I can't go too many hours without eating
• I wish I could eat like "she" does
• If I allow myself to eat unhealthy foods I will gain weight
• I always need to have snacks with me
• If I am going to indulge, it better be delicious
• It's not worth it to eat that because I will probably feel bad afterward
• What's the big deal; the taste will only last a second; I am not missing anything by passing it up, and I will feel better as a result
• I like to eat less than what others eat
• If I control what I eat I will be happy
• It feels better to be in comfy clothes and to eat what I want to eat, by myself, than to go out with other people
• I don't want to go to that social event because it will mess with my eating schedule

My Irrational thoughts about my body:

• To be attractive, I must be active and eat healthy
• I want/need my stomach to be flat
• I want/need my body to be muscular
• If I don't exercise today, then I have failed
• People compliment me for being skinny...what I am doing is working
• Others will like me for the way I look
• My thin body is a sign of success
• If I gain weight I will be ashamed or sad

New Beliefs I want to maintain:

• I am hungry; my body is telling me it needs more
• What she eats has nothing to do with me, my body, and how I feel
• If I listen to my body and eat accordingly, it will all balance out over time
• Food is not good or bad - I will get my calories one way or another
• My body needs fat in order to be healthy
• The energy I spend on food and my body is not worth sacrificing my relationships
• I am stronger - emotionally and physically - when I eat according to what my body needs
• When others comment about my body or eating habits it doesn't really have to do with me; it actually has to do with whatever is going on inside of them

These lists are ongoing. The more I listen, the more I hear, the more I am able to identify and ultimately accept my feelings. This is the first step in surrendering and being open for the change you can become.

~K~