SELF ESTEEM

What exactly is self esteem? How do we define it and how do we measure it? We hear and read about it all the time. We know as parents how important it is in child rearing but how do we know if we are raising kids with positive self esteem.

There is no specific recipe for raising a child with positive self esteem. There are ideas and guidelines which I will discuss below. As you will see in most of the material I write, I believe there are a host of factors that contribute to low self esteem, to eating disorders, to anxiety problems, to depression etc. We must always consider environmental influences, psychological factors and biological issues. Environmental factors, for example, being what televisions shows our children are watching. Psychological factors being what type of family structure there is and biological factors being what type of temperament someone is born with. Two children can be raised by the same parents and one has a positive sense of self and the other has low self esteem.

I will discuss below some basic easy steps and ideas to enhancing self esteem in your family.

Step 1: Do not talk about yourself negatively in front of your children. It is okay if this happens once in a while but if it is happening consistently, it will impact their self esteem. Do not say, "I look so fat today" or "See my stomach, it is so big and ugly" or "I am so stupid". Many of the teenagers I work with that struggle with self esteem and eating problems will often tell me they vividly remember a parent saying these types of comments repeatedly. If you as a parent are having a bad day or feel any or all of those things, it is okay to say that but the negative comments should be kept to yourself. We are significant role models to our children, especially the same sex parent. It is crucial to role model positive self esteem.

Step 2: Reinforce positive attributes and behaviors in yourself and in your children. You do not need to constantly praise your children but you can let them know when they have done something important, special etc.. It is also okay to comment on things that are not okay. The way you comment on those things is essential. For example, if your daughters hair is messy and she is going to school , do not say, "Oh you look terrible, your hair looks horrible", instead try saying, "Hey, we forgot to fix your hair, once we style it, you will look great." If your teenager gets a poor grade on a test and you know they can do better, instead of saying "I can't believe you did so bad. What is wrong with you," try saying, "What is up with this grade, usually you do better. Is something wrong?"

Step 3: Keep fighting, yelling and arguing to a minimum in your family. This is easier said than done as we are all stressed as parents. Fighting and yelling really diminish self esteem. Children and teenagers do not feel good when their parents are fighting with each other or with them often. If you are struggling with this issue, there are many techniques available to help with anger management such as deep breathing, time outs etc.

Step 4: Validate, validate and validate!!! A few times a year, 60-80 teenagers get together for a spiritual weekend. These teens are from different schools and different backgrounds, many of them do not know each other. I had the pleasure last month to be at the closing ceremony to this great event. The lecturer stated that he felt the weekend and all the events that occur truly join and bond these teenagers because they all feel validation from each other. I could not agree more. I feel that all human beings no matter what age, gender or ethnicity want to feel validated. And feeling validated greatly enhances self esteem. Validating your children can be as simple as "I love you" or "you are so important to our family". Validating can be taking an interest in something important to them. It sounds so simple but we can get so busy in our daily lives that we forget to do these simple tasks that take moments.

If you as a parent incorporate these few ideas into your life, you will enhance your self esteem and your children's. I am only scratching the surface, picking a few items that are easy to do. If you are concerned about your low self esteem or someone in your family's self esteem, I am available for consultation. Good luck with these ideas. If you raise a child with a good positive sense of self, you have given him or her a gift. A gift that will be of tremendous value in their lives.

Insights: Dec 2007

When is my child's ritualistic behavior considered a problem that needs intervention?

I have been asked this question by a parent who is worried about her son's behavior. Rituals are a part of our daily lives. We all engage in them and many of us take comfort in them. For example, when we help our children before bed, we often engage in routine rituals: brushing teeth, a bedtime story and some hugs and kisses. Many children feel disrupted if this routine is changed for some reason. As adults, we often have a routine before work or bed. So I believe that rituals help children feel secure and safe. When a child takes on a lot of his or her own ritualistic behavior it is important to monitor this. Some children can become more obsessive compulsive in their thinking and this can be a problem.

In obsessive compulsive behavior the obsessive part is the thoughts and ideas a person has and the compulsive part is the behavior that the person engages in. So, if you constantly thinking about germs and that your hands are dirty: this is the obsessive thinking. Then, if you cannot stop the thoughts until you wash your hands many times, this is the compulsive part. The thoughts can be about a multitude of things. The issue with germs is the most common. If your child shows symptoms of this and the thoughts or behaviors seem to be interfering with home life, school life and or social life it may be time to further evaluate this issue.

In this particular case, the parent explained to me that her son's thoughts were affecting his concentration at home and at school. She felt that no matter what she said to him, he was not able to stop these thoughts. I recommended that she have him further evaluated.

A lot of children as well as adults experience ritualistic behavior and or obsessive compulsive behavior because they are anxious. Having a specific thought or action sometimes relieves anxiety.

The good news is that all of these issues are treatable with the proper intervention. The proper intervention often includes a combination of behavioral therapy, desensitizing and sometimes medication.

If you are currently struggling with this type of issue, I am available for phone or in-person consultation. Please call 908.273.4220 to arrange an appointment.

Self Esteem

Many Americans today degrade the importance of self esteem. For example, my first period math teacher continually ridicules his colleagues for endorsing self confidence among students. He, like many other middle aged men of his time, believes self esteem is overrated. However, as eating disorders, self mutilation and depression have become everyday troubles for many teens, it is evident that self esteem (or lack thereof) can be extremely harmful to the developmental stages in a woman's life.

So what is the key to gaining this essential thing labeled "self esteem"? My advice would be to focus on the wonderful things about you. If you look all the way back into Newton's laws, you will find that everything has an equilibrant. Each person on earth is good at something but has an impediment balancing them out. Why focus on that downfall?
I like to consider myself a relatively confident young woman, not depending on the approval of others to get by, but even I am affected by rude comments or dirty looks from my peers. While society doesn't want you to be that overly confident girl, who is often dubbed cocky, you certainly can't be a conformist or a self loathing woman. So where is the medium, if there even is one?